Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Broken - An Exert from Imperial: Life

Whew, it's been too long. Sorry to you, my two followers. Here is an exert from the first installment of the Imperial Series, Life. I know it may not make much sense as it is far into the book, but please enjoy it for what it is worth. NOTE: This is probably not very well written. But hopefully editing will take care of that. I will post the rest of the "broken" chapters, but those may take a while to finish.


             Oris pushed through a revolving door. His eyes were immediately drawn to the mural painted on the floor: the red diamond with the seven silver stars on the right side. The same one on the card. He liked it. Thought it was cool. For a company as large as Imperial, Oris was surprised to find that the main floor was empty except for the receptionist. Then it dawned on him that it was seven o’clock at night. James probably would not even be here. Still, he walked confidently over to the receptionist. Her look made him realize that he was in no condition to be asking for a job. He really did not think this through. Still, there was something about the way that James had spoken to him. Something that indicated that either way, he would get this job. Or internship. Or whatever was being offered. He asked the receptionist if James was available. He actually was. He told her to tell him that Oris Phoenix wished to speak with him. Although he could not hear what he said, Oris thought that James sounded extremely enthusiastic. This pleased him. The receptionist informed Oris that James would be down shortly.
            Oris kicked his feet as he paced back and forth waiting for James. As he was waiting, a familiar man walked past Oris. “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” Oris said.
            Frederick looked at Oris, biting his tongue. “I… don’t think so.” Frederick wanted to say something.
            “Nah, I do, just let me think.” Oris stroked his chin.
            Just then the elevator door opened and James entered, dismissing Frederick before Oris could remember from where he knew him. James did his best to hide his glee, but he could feel a giant smile on his face that he knew would not go away. “So Oris, what brings you here?”
            Oris then explained his situation to James, leaving out the part that he had killed a man. Instead, he said that he was having issues at home and that this was a job that he now knew he wanted.
            “That’s great, Oris. I really do think you you’ll be a perfect fit here.” James did his best to mask an evil grin.
            James went on to explain what would now happen: Oris would start as an intern in the summer. Then, the Imperial Company would actually pay for his tuition at New York University! After the four years Oris would be promoted to a low level job, and when he could prove his worth he would be promoted accordingly. Of course, he would be paid for internship as well. Also, due to his current situation, James even offered to put up Oris in a decent apartment until he was making enough money to support himself.
            “This…” Oris was speechless. “This is unreal.”
            James put his hand on Oris’s shoulder. “Here, at Imperial, we take care of our kind. Now, you are one of us. We will take good care of you. I promise.” James then booked Oris a hotel until further living arrangements could be settled. Oris left to his hotel with extreme gratitude.
            Frederick walked over to James from where he was standing. “I hope you know what you’re dealing with.”
            James laughed. “I hope Oris knows what he’s dealing with.”
                                                * * * * *
            Justin tossed a blue stress ball as he sat on his bed. Oris killed a man. Killed. This thought would not leave his head. Could he kill a man? Maybe? No. He did not think so. Maybe if someone he loved was in danger, but there was no one he loved. Justin tossed the ball at the wall and sat up on the edge of the bed. He looked around his one room apartment. The off-white paint on the walls was peeling. His lamp flickered. He wished he could afford another light bulb. Or a better place. He stammered to the window. The view was distorted by the bars on the window. He sighed. His back burned. Justin jumped as the phone rang.
            “Hey Justin, it’s Vander, I was wondering if Oris was with you.”
            Justin remembered giving Vander his phone number when Oris was hospitalized. He almost called him out for it. “No, he’s not. Should he be?”
            Vander sighed. He had been praying that Oris was making a false threat. “Thank you, Justin.”
            “Doctor, what’s going on with him?”
            “I’ll handle this Justin. Please, try not to get involved any further.” Justin placed the phone down with reverence.
            “What?! Did you actually think he liked you?! He told me that you were a worthless piece of shit!” He kicked Justin. Justin fell down, clutching his side crying.
            “Donald! Stop it!” Victoria grabbed Donald’s arm, trying to pry him away from Justin.
            Justin tried to stand up but Donald kicked him again. “STOP!” Donald shoved Victoria off and into the wall.
            Donald laughed as he took a drink of his beer. “I can’t believe you thought he actually liked you! As if a loser like yourself would actually have a friend.”
            Justin was concerned the next day when Oris was not at school. And the next. And the next. Oris had missed a full week of school.  At the end of the day Friday, Mr. Spatz asked to speak to Justin.
            “I noticed Oris hasn’t been at school this week. You’re pretty good friends with him, what’s up?”
            Justin shrugged. “Honestly man, I don’t know. A good friend of his called and asked, so who knows.”
            “He hasn’t been having a good year, has he?” Mr. Spatz chewed on his pen cap.
            Justin bit his lip. “No. It’s been one thing after another.”
            “He’s a real case, isn’t he?” Mr. Sader said.
            Mr. Spatz took a sip of his coffee. He leaned up against the counter. “Don’t be so hard on him. He’s had a pretty tough home life.”
            Mrs. Bess cackled. “Please. As if that’s a valid excuse for being an all-around asshole.”
            Mr. Spatz held his tongue.
            Mr. Sader continued. “He acts as if he owns this school. Too bad Sora acts like we owe him something.”
            “He just needs some tough love, that’s all.” Mr. Spatz said. “I know what it’s like not having a father. He just needs some tough love.”
            “I want you to do something, Justin.”
            Justin got an uneasy feeling. “Okay.”
            “I want you to break Oris out of this spiral he’s in, in whatever way possible.”
            Justin reared back. “Are you suggesting that I beat the shit out of Oris, after everything he’s been though?”
Mr. Spatz nodded.
            “That doesn’t make any sense at all… sir.”
            “Of course not. It’s just that I know what it’s like in his position. My father left my family when I was four years old. I was in the same mentality when I was Oris’s age. I joined the army because I want to die. They reamed me, chewed me out. They beat me down. I saw what I had become, and changed for the better. I know Oris has also lost his mother, but he’s not acting out in the appropriate way. He’s being self-destructive. Make him see who he’s hurting, and make him feel the pain he’s causing everyone else. Only then can he put the pieces back together.” Mr. Spatz gave a weak smile.
            Justin was confused as to why Mr. Spatz was opening up as much as he was. Even with all their bickering, Justin knew that Mr. Spatz truly cared for Oris. “Okay. I’ll do it.”
            “Thank you Justin.”
                                                * * * * *
            Oris twirled his fork in his food. Ariel looked up with a puppy dog expression. “Are you okay?”
            Oris snapped out of it. “Sorry. I’m just a little distracted. My life’s been moving pretty fast these past few months. Then the year’s coming to an end, and next year the rest of my life start. I’m graduating, going to college, starting an internship, and who knows where my personal life will be.”
            Ariel put her hand in Oris’s. “Just breathe. Take a step back and breathe. Everything is going to be okay.”
                                                * * * * *
            Justin sat down in a chair in the Hawk’s apartment. He had called Angela, Sam, and Sebastian to join him and Syce. He called it for an “intervention”. After his conversation with Mr. Spatz, Justin had been plotting the best course of action in confronting Oris. He wanted everyone here, together, to discuss his final plan.
            They were going to call him up for a late night dinner. Everyone present needed to go. Justin did not say that he would fight Oris, only that they would explain their feelings about his situation. Everyone said it was a good idea. Saturday night would be the best time.
            Angela picked up the phone and called Oris. She let it slip that he had contacted her to retrieve his stuff from the Hawk’s apartment. She asked to meet him for dinner tomorrow and he agreed. She looked nervous as she hung up the phone. Justin assured her that it was for the best.
            Oris walked to the restaurant holding hands with Ariel. He had decided to tell Angela that whatever they had was over, and that he was with Ariel now. They stood under a street lamp waiting. He saw some shadows in the distance and said that it must be them. Soon Justin came into view. … Justin? What was he doing here? And then there Angela. And then Syce. And Sebastian. Sam.  “Whoa, I thought you were just coming, Angela?”
            Justin stepped to the front of group. “Oris, I organized this.”
            For a moment Angela did not care about the intervention, but who was with Oris. “ORIS! Who is she?”
            “Who is that?” Ariel said, peeling away from Oris in a staunch defense.
            “Angela, we were never back together. I’m with Ariel now.”
            Justin pushed back Angela. “See? This is the kind of shit you’ve been pulling recently. Enough is enough.” He said sternly.
            “What?! So you can sleep with me while you date someone else? AGAIN?!” Angela screamed.
            “You’ve been sleeping with her?” Ariel said. “I thought you were different.” Ariel turned to walk away.
            “Ariel stop!-”
            “See Oris? This is a problem. Your self-destructive behavior is now affecting us.”
            Oris grabbed Ariel and reared around to talk to Justin. “What in the hell are you talking about?”
            “Oris,” Syce spoke up, “your behavior in regards to the warm hospitality my mother provided was outlandish and absurd. You owe her, at the very least, an apology.”
            Oris let Ariel slip from his hand as he stood in disbelief. “So, all my friends come here and gang up on me? I don’t need this.”
            “No, you need this.” Sam said. “You need help Oris.”
            Oris turned to Ariel, the only person who was not attacking him. “What do you think?”
            “All I can think about you sleeping with her!” She pointed at Angela.
            “We weren’t going out then, it doesn’t matter!” Oris flailed his arms.
            Justin stepped forward. “So, how are we going to do this?”
            “You fuck off and I go on and have dinner with my girlfriend.” Oris started to shout.
            Justin cracked his neck.
            Oris laughed. ‘What, are you gonna kick my ass? As if.”
            Oris pounded his fist into his palm.
            “Don’t do this, Oris.” Ariel coached.
            “Justin…” Angela was uneasy. They had not discussed this. Sam grabbed her to prevent her from getting hurt.
            “It’s going to be okay.” Sam whispered in her ear.
            Oris pushed back Ariel. She tried to stop him, but Oris shoved her to the ground. Oris popped Justin in the temple. Sebastian saw that this could be a one-sided fight, and wanted to join Justin, but Syce stopped him. It was Justin’s fight. Justin recovered and swept Oris’s ankles. Ariel yelled for it to stop, but Oris pushed her back again. Justin charged and they grabbed each other, trying to wrestle the other to the ground. Oris ducked under Justin’s arms and pivoted around to behind him. Oris grabbed the back of Justin’s hair, moved his leg in front of Justin’s legs, and pushed him forward and shoved him face-first into the ground. Blood splattered up from the ground. “YEAH! NOT SO TOUGH NOW ARE YOU?!” Oris punted Justin in the ribs.
            “STOP ORIS!” Ariel rushed over to Oris as he continued to kick Justin.
            Oris glared at Ariel. “NO! This is my fight! Back the fuck off!”
            Ariel stopped, baffled. Justin grabbed Oris’s foot when he was distracted and yanked him down to the ground. Justin jumped up and socked Oris in the face. Oris was stunned at the sudden change in power, and was rendered defenseless as Justin pummeled Oris in the face. “Justin! Stop!” Angela cried. She broke free from Sam and rushed over and grabbed Justin, trying to pry him away from Oris, but he shoved her off and on to the ground. He continued to hit him repeatedly. Oris brought up his hands to block the hits, but he had no energy to hold them there. Justin pulled back and put all his strength into one final hit. Justin stepped back, letting everyone collect themselves.
“See? This is how we feel. Every day as you destroy yourself. It affects us. The people who care about you.”
Oris groaned as he rolled onto his stomach, trying to crawl away. Justin stepped on the back of Oris’s knee and stopped him from moving. “Listen.”
Oris spat out the pool of blood that had collected in his mouth. “Stop. I don’t need this. I’m not destroying myself. I’ve grown up and no longer need you guys.” Oris spat again. “I told you! I killed a man! Do you not understand that?”
This news shocked everyone else. “So?” Justin continued. “Who cares? You did what the judicial system didn’t. You took that action upon yourself. You did what you felt was right. There is no second guessing in one-off occurrences.”
“I couldn’t take it anymore!” Oris shook his head. “My father abandoned me! My mother is dead! How can you guys not understand that?”
Justin stepped off of Oris. “Oh, I understand that. I know what’s it like, and I know worse.” He turned his back to Oris and lifted up his shirt. Using most of the remaining energy in his body, Oris lifted his head to look. There were six large scars across Justin’s back, the two largest formed and ‘x’ in the middle. “I know what it’s like. You have it lucky that you never knew your father. I wish I could say the same.” Justin’s revelation left everyone in shock. They finally knew why he never spoke about his home life or his life before he moved. “We’re done here.”
 Oris rested his head on the asphalt, slowly losing consciousness. Justin turned to face the group: Angela was still on the ground, silently crying; Syce, Sebastian, and Sam all stood still, accepting the course of action that had taken place. It was necessary. It was the only way. “Come back when you’re ready to actually grow up.” Justin walked away in the direction that he arrived in, taking everyone else with him. Only Ariel remained with Oris.
Ariel bent down, crying as she petted his head. “It’s going to be okay.” She said soothingly. He rolled his head on to its side so he could look at her. She could barely see him in his face. Black blood had hardened on his face. His left eye had swollen. His lips cracked, oozing. He was crying. Ariel kissed his head. “It’s going to be okay.” Oris could now feel what Justin was saying. He had brought this on himself. There was no need for pity. His friends had put up with enough of his shit as it was, and these recent events broke the levy. Oris lay in the street, broken, with no idea how to put the pieces back together.
Ariel waited in the street with Oris until the ambulance came to take him away. She held his hand in the ambulance. And waited with him in the emergency room. At one point, Oris regained consciousness. He could feel her warmth in his hand. It warmed his heart. Using all the energy in his body, he forced a smile. He did not care if she saw it, but he needed to express the only positive emotion he was feeling. He did not know if she saw it, but he felt her hand squeeze his sometime shortly after. In Oris’s dream-like state of conscious, he saw the scene play out again and again. He could now see that Justin was right. He could see the crying Angela. He could see Ariel staring in disbelief as he was pummeled for what she thought was no reason. He could see the look of regret on Justin’s face, and how he was doing this because he cared in his eyes. But, the funny thing was, that he did not care in the slightest bit. He was building a new life, at Imperial, with Ariel, but these people were holding him back. It was time to cut loose. But, he still cared for them. He still loved them. In this moment, everything Oris knew shattered. The world as he knew it ceased to exist. There was no recovery from this. But not that he wanted to anyway.
Oris Phoenix was broken.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Spaceman - Version 3


The Spaceman

          I gazed up at the stars. If there was ever a concrete definition for beauty, this would be it. The sight of the night sky in a rural area was enough to bring a tear to my eye. This was my entertainment, not the luxury of the luminescent glow of a television. This is where my love for space came from. It was the watchful eye that my parents were not and the freedom I was not allowed. It would never change, not like the Earth which changed all too fast. 

             In 1969 I watched Neil Armstrong become the first person to walk on the moon. I watched wide-eyed and open-mouthed as he took that first step and uttered his famous lines, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” That day cemented my destiny: I was going to be an astronaut. I remember the next day cutting enough room in the milk carton so it would fit my head. I was one small step from becoming an astronaut. 

            I think the underlying reason for me wanting to be an astronaut came from the idea of the unknown. Starring up at those stars as a child, I was filled with the warmth of their glow, yet chilled by the unknown. What was I looking at? Is there some other boy, on another planet who is barred from watching television starring back at me? 

Neil Armstrong was the first person to physically touch space. How did Buzz Aldrin feel, knowing that he was the second person? He was there, he could have been first, but he wasn’t. That opportunity vanished in front of his very eyes in a flash. The moon was just the beginning. I dreamed of touching the next frontier. I dreamed of being the first, of being the catalyst of a future.

My whole life I spent preparing for that day when I would blast off into space. So much so that I changed my diet solely to “astronaut food”. That stuff was putrid. But it was something that I had to do. It was the next logical step. I had a friend who owned a convertible car. I would take that car over a hundred miles an hour down abandoned roads to get a feeling similar to take off. I would jump on my bed to simulate what I thought zero gravity would feel like. I exercised. I exercised with additional clothing and weights to simulate how heavy I assumed a suit was. I wouldn’t become an astronaut: I was an astronaut. I am an astronaut. 

The day they told me I’d be on the next mission to space was the happiest day of my life. And even better: I’d be going to Mars. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. Here, I could become the first man on Mars; I could step onto the red cloud of dust, and speak the words that would inspire the next generation. This wasn’t just my dream: it was my destiny, my duty.

In an instant the Earth faded into outer space. A tear fell down my face as I saw the beauty of the thin line between space and the Earth. It wasn’t space, but it wasn’t Earth. It was an entirely different world, separate from the others. And then there was black. I saw the Earth for what it really was: nothing. It was tiny. Faint. A ball of blue. In the void that surrounds, the Earth was just a speck of dust on a slightly larger speck of dust. 

And then there was nothing. I couldn’t believe it. After we passed the moon there was nothing to be seen for what felt like forever. Maybe we were alone. It felt like we were. And even if there was something else out there, would they be able to even reach us? Could we reach them? As we pushed forward in this endless vacuum I seriously doubted that we would ever find other life or that they would find us.

I was not impressed with my crewmates. Both of them were consumed by entertainment, by Hollywood. Even without my TV-less childhood I was never too impressed with Hollywood, with celebrities. A popular topic was The Godfather, both parts. When they asked my opinion on it, or on anything of the nature I could never respond. Although after the first few days I never wanted to talk to them anyway, and I suspect they felt the same about me. It was okay. I had always been alone. My parents never gave me the time of day. I never had a girlfriend. Sure, I had been intimate with a few women, but mainly through my one and only friend. The sad part of that relationship was that after high school we never spoke again. I don’t know why. I mean, I don’t know why he was my friend in the first place. It was probably because we were neighbors and it was nice having a friend so close. I’m sure that he was never able to shake me off until he moved away for college. It was probably the best decision of his life.

The time it took for us to arrive was used to become acclimated to the weightlessness of space. I won’t lie, it was fun. It gave me some common ground with my crewmates. Floating away from the troubles that weigh us down.  Space was everything I imagined it to be. I was home. The dream of my childhood was now the reality of my adulthood. 

As Mars came in to view I began to think about what I was going to say when I take that historic first step. Maybe I would repeat what Neil Armstrong said, but update it a little: “One small step for man, an even gianter leap for mankind”. Wait, was gianter even a word?  When I said it aloud, it didn’t sound as good as it did in my head so I scrapped it. My crewmates fought over who would the first to walk on Mars. It didn’t matter: it was going to be me. They knew it. I could see it when they talked to me (as little as they did). I had it in me. I had the ambition. The guys back in Houston had indirectly said that it was to be me. They said ‘I had a part of Neil in me”. But then again, even if it wasn’t me I wouldn’t care. Still, I was going to say something, something that would rally a nation. Something that had no prior preparation. I would say something in the heat of moment. That’s how I work best. 

The ship landed with a soft thud. We put on our suits. The door opened. I took my position in the front. I would be the first. They had accepted it. I stood in the doorway, gazing at the red uncharted landscape that lay before me. This wasn’t just a small step; this was a plunge into the unknown, into the future. I took a deep breathe. I jumped down and landed onto the red planet. I could feel it: the world was watching me. Even though I could not see them, they could see me. They were waiting. Waiting for me to rally them. Waiting for me to offer insight into this world. “I can see the future.” I said. “And the future is red.” This is what I was going to be remembered by. These words. Were they lame? Would they inspire a generation or laughter? I smiled. It did not matter anymore. I had made history, and whatever I said would go down in history as words of wisdom and insight. Textbooks would have my quote under a heroic portrait of me. 

We took a few samples of rocks and some dust before it was time to go. Yes, the moment I had spent an entire life to achieve was over in the blink of an eye. But I didn’t care. I had done it. Dreams do come true. I took an extra-long look at my history before closing the door and ultimately blasting off back to Earth. My world grew smaller and smaller until it no longer existed. I longed for it like it was my home. It was a world without the error of humanity. It was a world untouched my impurity. Such is paradise. I wanted to go back.

The homecoming was more extravagant than I had imagined: we were heroes. I was the hero among heroes. I showered with heartening praise instead of warm water. This was the history that I knew I had created. But this praise was short lived. I could feel their stares. Looking right through me. And then it hit me: my words. Those words that should have inspired a generation for achievement now inspired a generation for ridicule. Everywhere I went, people would address me as “Mr. Astronaut” or “The Martian” or “The Spaceman”, words of endearment laced in spite. They did not mean the praise they sang of. No, they were mocking me. What was once my home had now become a prison of misery. I didn’t want this anymore. 

The news stations were playing the video again and again. They were playing my words again and again. I could not turn on a television and not see my face or turn on a radio and hear my voice anywhere. And they would play it with Neil Armstrong’s moon landing. What should have been an honor was now disrespect to Neil, which sickened me. His history should not be blackened by mine. No, the two should have remained separate. I could not stand the comparisons to my hero. I wanted to be like Neil, but I knew that I was not on the same level. I knew that I would never be considered as great as he was. Yet, here they were saying that my feat was greater. That I was a bigger pioneer for future space exploration than he was. But he was first. How could they forget that? I was nothing, just the next step.

Then they asked me to come on their shows. And I did. I had an obligation to this country to do so, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. The more the spotlight was shined on me the more I wanted to step out of it. The more the spotlight was shined on me the blinder I became. Not that it mattered. I did not want to see the fame monster I had become. It was too much. I realized now why people wanted to explore space so much: they wanted to escape from Earth. When people die they will roam the Earth because it is hell. I had found a world, so pure, so innocent, and I wanted to go back. To escape the taint that is the Earth and start anew on Mars. That was where I belonged, not here constantly in the spotlight. There were more important people to worry about; I was just doing my job. I never wanted to be a celebrity, just a man of history. Mars. There, there was no gossip; there was no tabloids, no exploitation, no lies. I could live the rest of my days in peace. In escape from what I had become against my will. On Mars, I would have the freest of will. I was going to go back. I was going home.

I heard of another mission to Mars. I wanted to go, and with my repertoire they had no choice to take me. In the time before the mission, I amassed a collection of food for my travels. And then we left. Surprisingly, no one questioned my insane amount of food. Maybe my previous crewmates had told stories of me. Or maybe that figured I was deranged or just simply weird from my interviews. 

I was still left in wonderment as I entered space for the second time. I still felt the isolation of space. I knew I was going to be alone forever. But it made me happy. The happiest since I first heard the news that I was going to Mars. The resurgence of happiness was fitting for this moment. Then I saw Mars again. I saw it differently: it was no longer unknown. I knew it like I had been here before, like I had always been here, like I would be there forever. I recognized this feeling: it was the feeling only a home could provide. 

Mars was still had the warmth of a burning fire on a cold winter’s night. I was home. As the second team prepared to return to Earth, I made my move. In one of the detachable pods I stored all the food I had brought with me. I determined it was enough to last me a few years: two or even three if I rationed correctly. I informed one of my co-pilots my plan, and against his protests I went through with it. He wished me luck, and said that the next mission would bring me more food or bring me back. I appreciated the sentiment and told him I would look forward to the next visit.

I waved goodbye to my fellow men and gazed back at my new home. The home that had always been there for me. Sure, it was barren, but I would fill it with love and belonging. Things I never felt on Earth. The poison of that destroyed Earth would never be felt here. No, I would make sure that this place would remain pure. I would remain pure.

 This was the dawn of a new life for me. I gazed at the void that surrounded me. My promising smile soon turned to a frown. The winking sky I once stared up at as a child was empty and soulless. Still, it beat the empty and soulless gazes of those judging liars. Here, I would be appreciated for what I truly was: I pioneer to the future. When the next group arrived, they would see the first colony on Mars. Not only was I the first man to walk on Mars, but I was also the first man to live on Mars. 

I waited for what felt like eons for the next team to arrive. Yes, I actually missed the companionship of humanity. And then I saw them. The shuttle landed with a soft thump. I could feel it as they walked all over me. All over me with their malicious judgment and condescending views. They saw my trash in the hole from which I had designated for it. They searched for something, I couldn’t tell what. I called out to them, but they didn’t hear me. But I could hear them. I could hear their cackles, mocking me. 

“Do you think he left?”

“No. His ship is still here. And his trash. We could search for years and never find his body in this barren wasteland.”

The ship left as soon as it came. Those bastards. They come and mock me and don’t bring any food. I was hungry, and yet they just laugh at me. I’m glad I left those people behind on Earth. Those people don’t know what home means. Here, I am home.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Spaceman - Version 2

I've updated The Spaceman as I have added an additional two paragraphs.



The Spaceman

          I gazed up at the stars. If there was ever a concrete definition for beauty, this would be it. The sight of the night sky in a rural area was enough to bring a tear to my eye. My parents only allowed the television on for an hour a day after dinner, so I spent most of my time outside.

            Then, in 1969, I watched Neil Armstrong become the first person to walk on the moon. I watched wide-eyed and open-mouthed as he took that first step and uttered his famous lines, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” That day cemented my destiny: I was going to be an astronaut. I remember the next day cutting enough room in the milk carton so it would fit my head. I was one small step from becoming an astronaut. 

            I think the underlying reason for me wanting to be an astronaut came from the idea of the unknown. Starring up at those stars as a child, I was filled with the warmth of their glow, yet chilled by the unknown. What was I looking at? Is there some other boy, on another planet who is barred from watching television starring back at me? 

And then, Neil Armstrong became the first to touch space. How did Buzz Aldrin feel, knowing that he was the second person? He was there, he could have been first, but he wasn’t. That opportunity vanished in front of his very eyes in a flash. The moon was just the beginning. I dreamed of touching the next frontier.

The day they told me I’d be on the next mission to space was the happiest day of my life. And even better: I’d be going to Mars. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. Here, I could become the first man on Mars; I could step onto the red cloud of dust, and speak the words that would inspire the next generation. This wasn’t just my dream: it was my destiny, my duty.

In an instant the Earth faded into outer space. A tear fell down my face as I saw the beauty of the thin line between space and the Earth. It wasn’t space, but it wasn’t Earth. It was an entirely different world, separate from the others. And then there was black. I saw the Earth for what it really was: nothing. It was tiny. Faint. A ball of blue. In the void that surrounds, the Earth was just a speck of dust on a slightly larger speck of dust. 

The time it took for us to arrive was used to become acclimated to the weightlessness of space. I won’t lie, it was fun. Floating away from the troubles that weigh us down.  Space was everything I imagined it to be. The dream of my childhood was now the reality of my adulthood. 

As Mars came in to view I began to think about what I was going to say when I take that historic first step. Maybe I would repeat what Neil Armstrong said, but update it a little: “One small step for man, an even gianter leap for mankind”. Wait, was gianter even a word?  When I said it aloud, it didn’t sound as good as it did in my head so I scrapped it. Still, I was going to say something, something that would rally a nation. I would say something in the heat of moment. That’s how I work best. 

The ship landed with a soft thud. We put on our suits. The door opened. I stood in the doorway, gazing at the red uncharted landscape that lay before me. This wasn’t just a small step; this was a plunge into the unknown, into the future. I took a deep breathe. I jumped down and landed onto the red planet. I could feel it: the world was watching me. Even though I could not see them, they could see me. “I can see the future.” I said. “And the future is red.” This is what I was going to be remembered by. These words. Were they lame? Would they inspire a generation or laughter? I smiled. It did not matter anymore. I had made history, and whatever I said would go down in history as words of wisdom and insight. Textbooks would have my quote under a heroic portrait of me.

We took a few samples of rocks and some dust before it was time to go. Yes, the moment I had spent an entire life to achieve was over in the blink of an eye. But I didn’t care. I had done it. Dreams do come true. I took an extra-long look at my history before closing the door and ultimately blasting off back to Earth. My world grew smaller and smaller until it no longer existed. I longed for it like it was my home. It was a world without the error of humanity. It was a world untouched my impurity. Such is paradise. I wanted to go back.

The homecoming was more extravagant than I had imagined: we were heroes. I was the hero among heroes. I showered with heartening praise instead of warm water. This was the history that I knew I had created. But this praise was short lived. I could feel their stares. Looking right through me. And then it hit me: my words. Those words that should have inspired a generation for achievement now inspired a generation for ridicule. Everywhere I went, people would address me as “Mr. Astronaut” or “The Martian” or “The Spaceman”, words of endearment laced in spite. They did not mean the praise they sang of. No, they were mocking me. What was once my home had now become a prison of misery. I didn’t want this anymore.

The news stations were playing the video again and again. They were playing my words again and again. I could not turn on a television and not see my face or hear my voice anywhere. And they would play it with Neil Armstrong’s moon landing. What should have been an honor was now disrespect to Neil, which sickened me. His history should not be blackened by mine. No, the two should have remained separate. I could not stand the comparisons to my hero. I wanted to be like Neil, but I knew that I was not on the same level. I knew that I would never be considered as great as he was. Yet, here they were saying that my feat was greater. That I was a bigger pioneer for future space exploration than he was. But he was first. How could they forget that? 

Then they asked me to come on their shows. And I did. I had an obligation to this country to do so, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. The more the spotlight was shined on me the more I wanted to step out of it. The more the spotlight was shined on me the blinder I became. Not that it mattered. I did not want to see the fame monster I had become. It was too much. I realized now why people wanted to explore space so much: they wanted to escape from Earth. When people die they will roam the Earth because it is hell. I had found a world, so pure, so innocent, and I wanted to go back. To escape the taint that is the Earth and start anew on Mars. That was where I belonged, not here constantly in the spotlight. There were more important people to worry about; I was just doing my job. I never wanted to be a celebrity, just a man of history. Mars. There, there was no gossip; there was no tabloids, no exploitation, no lies. I could live the rest of my days in peace. In escape from what I had become against my will. On Mars, I would have the freest of will. I was going to go back.

I heard of another mission to Mars. I wanted to go, and with my repertoire they had no choice to take me. In the time before the mission, I amassed a collection of food for my travels. And then we left. I was still left in wonderment as I entered space for the second time. Mars was still had the warmth of a burning fire on a cold winter’s night. I was home. As the second team prepared to return to Earth, I made my move. In one of the detachable pods I stored all the food I had brought with me. I determined it was enough to last me a few years: two or even three if I rationed correctly. I informed one of my co-pilots my plan, and against his protests I went through with it. He wished me luck, and said that the next mission would bring me more food or bring me back. “The food would be very much appreciated” I said.

I waved goodbye to my fellow men and gazed back at my new home. Sure, it was barren, but I would fill it with love and belonging. Things I never felt on Earth. This was the dawn of a new life for me. I gazed at the void that surrounded me. My promising smile soon turned to a frown. The winking sky I once stared up at as a child was actually empty and soulless. Still, it beat the empty and soulless gazes of those judging liars. Here, I would be appreciated for what I truly was: I pioneer to the future. When the next group arrived, they would see the first colony on Mars. Not only was I the first man to walk on Mars, but I was also the first man to live on Mars. 

I waited for what felt like eons for the next team to arrive. I was almost out of food when the shuttle landed with a soft thump. The saw my trash in the hole from which I had designated for it. They searched for something, I couldn’t tell what. I called out to them, but they didn’t hear me. But I could hear them. I could hear their cackles, mocking me. 

“Do you think he left?”

“No. His ship is still here. We could search for years and never find his body in this barren wasteland.”

The ship left as soon as it came. Those bastards. They come and mock me and don’t bring any food. I’m glad I left those people behind on Earth. Those people don’t know what home means. Here, I am home.